This was submitted by a friend. A modern Renaissance man with intellect and humor to spare! Much thanks, my brother! I will not mention your name without your consent.
So, I woke up this morning famished from the crazy and totally unplanned sexcapades from the previous night. I tripped over the Electrolux cannister vacuum while trying to find my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I landed in such a way that, well, let’s just say that nothing sucks like Electrolux. Sure, it started off awkwardly, but now I’m thinking about asking Ellie (my new pet name for the vacuum cleaner) to go steady.
I made my way to the local Mickey D’s for some good, old, American cholesterol raising. But somehow, lost my appetite.
I thought, what the hell? I’ll try again for lunch …
Well, it didn’t work out so well on the eating thing. I figured I’d just walk around and try to find something to do to take my mind off of food … and colonoscopies.
So, I wandered downtown and lo and behold, I found just what I was looking for!
It was the grand opening (no pun intended *see above) and everything! I practically ran through the door and asked for a DOUBLE!
Wow! What a misunderstanding! Who knew solicitation for a grabber was criminal?
It’s all good though … I have 30 days to think about where my train went off the tracks …
The world is a funny place. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings, now we have Countries run by …
So, there I was at my favorite Chinese restaurant, Poo Pings, and for some reason, my stomach felt funny.
I ran for the restroom, but got confused as hell by the signs.
Since I was wearing a dress at the time, I chose “Feman”
I could see a pair of shoes in the only stall that was there. I knew I was in trouble because my stomach was making weird sounds, like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. I forced my way into the stall in utter desperation.
Wouldn’t you know it. The heavy chick from “Facts of Life”, my mortal enemy, was in the stall . And she wasn’t pretty. I mean, it wasn’t pretty.
Not only did I get kicked in the groin, but now I’m banned from Poo Pings for creating a mess in a dress under duress.
The Snark has a hypothesis that aliens are taking people’s brains and using them to make galactic pudding pops.
I can’t tell you how many times a week I see clueless citizens who not only can’t spell, but have no idea what they’re actually saying.
For all intensive purposes, this supposably only happens to dumbasses. Was I too pacific?
Yeah, Uncle Snarky can wax poetic when he feels the need! Dig it ….
Lately I’ve been dreaming
’bout a house and picket fence
and friendly dog
Two cats and a milkman
and a cabin up in Bangor
made of log
A wife whose smile is charming
two point three kids
and a mortgage I can bear
A red-hot next door neighbor
with whom I might find myself
in an affair
Lately I’ve been dreaming
but dreaming’s all I ever seem to do
As long as I’m dreaming
would you mind if I dreamed of you?
– Uncle Snarky – ©2015
Dear Uncle Snarky,
We’re having a huge debate in my high school “Human Sexuality” class. We were discussing you, and several of the kids think that you’re androgynous and that you have no sex organs, whatsoever. Other kids say that you have junk, but it’s really small like a baby’s. Our teacher says that we’re all being cruel and that you probably have a normal-sized no-no, but that you have been emasculated by a society who can’t understand your genius.
So, here’s our question. How can a vacuum cleaner be good if it really sucks?
Ms. Smegma’s 1st period Human Sexuality class, Will C. Wood High School
Uncle Snarky Replies …
Good Morning Class,
Ah, high school. The time in a young person’s life when they have almost as many brain cells as they have zits. It’s a magical time, sponsored by Clearasil and Jergen’s hand lotion. I can still remember this one time when I was sitting in English class. We were discussing gerunds. I’m not sure why we were discussing old people in English class. But, it was not my call.
Anyway, the teacher called my name and asked me to come to the blackboard and write down three gerunds. Well, of course, the first three I thought of were Winston Churchill, that manly chick that starred on “Maude” back in the Seventies, and the lunch lady from our school cafeteria who lost her fake pinkie finger in a batch of fish sticks. I remember, the girl who bit into the fake finger let out such a cry of anguish and disgust that more than half of the Freshmen ended up puking into each other’s hair. It was glorious. But, back to the classroom …
While the teacher had been talking about gerunds, I had actually been thinking about boobies. Mary Pat Zoloft’s boobies to be exact. They were magnificent. When she walked, they moved of their own volition, like two wolverines fighting under a blanket. Well, because of my daydream about Mary Pat’s wolverines, I had developed what is called in polite circles, a raging boner. I was unable to stand, much less walk. I tried to bend over to tie my shoelace and poked myself in the eye.
Wait a minute. What was your question again? Something about vacuum cleaners? Uncle Snarky lost his virginity to an Electrolux Model 138, but that’s a story for another time.
Stay in school. Don’t pull your tool.
– Uncle Snarky –